Psalm 63: 3 (HCSB)
“My lips will glorify You because Your faithful love is better than life.”
On Sunday, I woke to this Scripture on (in)courage and found myself reminded of what God had spoken into my heart the day before, in the dunes. As I ran with renewed energy and joy at the opportunity of scaling the numerous hills that I had once dreaded, I was encouraged to look back at my journey into God’s loving embrace. What I saw was a journey that mirrored my experiences of running.
When I started out running, those same hills I now met with energy and joy, were met with utter despair. I looked ahead and felt my heart drop and my body slump, as my steady breaths multiplied into a heaving splutter. I looked at my husband beside me and internally thought and may have even uttered aloud: “Are you trying to kill me?” And then, running along the same path, I recalled the start of my journey into suffering, when the repressed memories of my mother’s last days crept to the surface. My mind, emotions and body responded in a similar way as they had when I started running, with my anger also being directed at the One walking beside me: Jesus. But, just as with my running, each time I have been guided back to the same painful hills, I have found the One beside me encouraging and spurring me on to face what I was so sure I could never face. And in facing what I dared not face before, the fear, the pain, the grief and the tension are slowly being forced to the surface. Brick by brick, the numbing wall around my heart is being broken down.
Now, what trauma as a child taught me to suppress and hide, is slowly, but surely being brought out into the light. And in being exposed to the Light of God, the anger and tension, that have worked so hard to suppress the hurt beneath, are dissolving into a puddle of tears. Lies that taught me to hide the searing pain from the wrath of God and others, are being eroded in the tearing down of this numbing wall. So, just as I can now run the hilly dunes with renewed energy and joyful anticipation because of the years of learning to face what I never dared face before, encouraged and supported by the one beside me, so now I can look forward to the hilly path of life before me because I know the Lord will continue using each steep incline to tear down more and more of the wall that is keeping me from His full embrace of Light. For it is written:
Ephesians 5: 13 (NIV)
But everything exposed by the light becomes visible-
-and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.
The Lord has impressed it upon my heart to share this journey into His Loving Light with a wider audience, so I am in the process of preparing my 49 chapter (47, 000 word) manuscript for publication as a book. Only this morning the Lord answered a tear-stained prayer for help with this leap of faith. There is still a lot to do and prepare, so I’d greatly appreciate your prayers and any tips/support you could offer! Thank you for following my journey here. May God bless you richly in your own journey.
This post is linked up to #TellHisStory: