For all those who are grieving, despairing and fearful right now…something I wrote last year, full of God’s wonderful Word of Truth:
A Journey Back Home
(Psalm 23, 62, 63, 94; Philippians 4: 7, John 6: 35-40; Zephaniah 3: 17; Jeremiah 31 : 3, John 15: 4-5 – The Message)
A little girl, I watched, the pain wrenching deep,
Watching, listening, feeling, but kept at
Unable to hold, love, comfort,
hearing his little heart
beneath the labour of rebellion,
a child crying out to be seen, loved, accepted.
You saw, but let it be.
And yet You knew the pain, felt my heart cut deep.
Saw me turn and hide, unable to
Saw me replace trust with the idol of fear,
Terrified fear of
No longer a loving Father,
but terror out to catch me
“You’ll never be good enough and not love, but
awaits you if you stay.”
The trust of a child,
Fear driving me far, far
For more than twenty years,
You watched and waited,
as I learnt the ropes of perfection,
fleeing the fear etched deep:
“They’ll find you out, just wait.”
Anxiety the greatest slave driver of all,
I sought to deny, numb, erase those voices of fear. The fear of “not enough”.
And then it all
Tumours. Multiple. Three months.
A world away, yet in heart entwined.
Torn, by oceans, continents
A dying mother, me a grieving child beneath the adult facade,
My own little three year old,
left behind in the arms of her Papa, Oma and Opa to give her mother and beloved Grandma the gift of
Yet in the dying, in the fear of the
You draw close.
My eyes open, and I behold You.
The mountains high, the lake glistening,
The sky a tapestry of Your Love.
I feel Your arms.
Strong. Holding me.
Your beauty and love
They’ve been chasing me.
All this time.
Every single day of my life.
And this love wraps around me
In my dying Mum.
Peace enveloping and exuding from her
weakening and breaking body.
A peace that passes all understanding.
A peace beyond all human fathoming.
I am not yet ready to receive it fully,
But this Presence, Your Presence,
speaks truth into my numbed soul.
Your Peace pours out upon me.
And slowly and surely You draw me back
into Your loving arms, as I return
but RICH beyond measure in Your safe, comfort-enfolding arms.
And yet as I watch, behold the
My beautiful vibrant mother,
Locked in a body breaking before my very eyes,
I doubt Your goodness again, all those months later.
Images, fears crystallized, entrap me.
How can locked limbs, paper-thinning legs,
swallowing taken, speech no more,
until all is taken…
My Mum. My once beautifully vibrant Mum…
How, Lord, how can this be a testimony to Your goodness? Your love?
“Is this it?!” I cry out to You.
“Is this the “life” you promise to those you love?
And those who love You?”
Despair piercing my living room
those many months later.
My heart once again truly doubts Your goodness
And the value of life itself.
I behold the suffering and fear has me
reeling to numb myself, to remove all pain.
But in Your eternal love and unfailing kindness,
You draw me unto Yourself instead.
“Anna,” You say,
“All those I draw unto myself, I hold onto
and don’t let go of.
And in the name of my Father,
I prepare to place all those He gives me,
Whole and Complete before His eternal throne.”
My Mum, broken before me:
Whole and Complete before His Throne!
Me, her grieving and despairing daughter,
Held Tight, oh so tight!
Truths. Truths of Hope and undying
And yet, the fears keep pelting down upon me.
I start reading Your Word and struggle
with doubts of Your goodness
in judgements enacted.
Yet, I keep returning and in the returning
my eyes and heart open to your perpetually
returning grace. I see you keeping a covenant of love in tact,
holding onto a people who become infamous at turning away,
walking in flagrant disobedience,
instead of into Your eternal love.
And in my doubts,
in my seething anger and rebellious distrust of You,
You patiently turn me
to the book of Job, lifting my head
up to Your love,
up to Your consolations that are waiting to delight my soul.
“Who made these tapestries of skies?” you ask of me.
“Who loves You so much that He woos you
every single day
with untold beauty unfolding before you?
Who has been holding you
all this time,
waiting for you to slow
and feel His arms enfold you?”
And so You teach me to bare my soul.
To cry in anguish.
To unburden the brokenness laid bare.
To open my heart before You.
And there in the depths of despair
You sing over me,
Songs that tether me to Your faithfulness.
To solid rock under my feet
and breathing room for my soul.
Who is like My God?
God- you’re my God!
I can’t get enough of you!
I’ve worked up such hunger and thirst for You.
Traveling my road of brokenness and pain,
my eyes have been opened to Your waters in the desert.
And so, I’m finally drinking in Your strength and glory.
As You continue to break me open,
You turn me heavenward, and
My lips brim praises like fountains,
As You make Your
deep, deep within me.