He is Holding You

For all those who are grieving, despairing and fearful right now…something I wrote last year, full of God’s wonderful Word of Truth:

A Journey Back Home

 

(Psalm 23, 62, 63, 94; Philippians 4: 7, John 6: 35-40; Zephaniah 3: 17; Jeremiah 31 : 3, John 15: 4-5 – The Message)

 

A little girl, I watched, the pain wrenching deep,

Watching, listening, feeling, but kept at

bay,

Unable to hold, love, comfort,

hearing his little heart

weep,

beneath the labour of rebellion,

a child crying out to be seen, loved, accepted.

 

You saw, but let it be.

And yet You knew the pain, felt my heart cut deep.

Saw me turn and hide, unable to

release.

Saw me replace trust with the idol of fear,

Terrified fear of

You.

No longer a loving Father,

but terror out to catch me

out.

“You’ll never be good enough and not love, but

Punishment

awaits you if you stay.”

The trust of a child,

Broken.

Fear driving me far, far

Away.

 

For more than twenty years,

You watched and waited,

patiently,

as I learnt the ropes of perfection,

fleeing the fear etched deep:

“They’ll find you out, just wait.”

Anxiety the greatest slave driver of all,

I sought to deny, numb, erase those voices of fear. The fear of “not enough”.

And then it all

crashed.

Fear birthing

Reality.

Tumours. Multiple. Three months.

 

A world away, yet in heart entwined.

Torn, by oceans, continents

apart,

A dying mother, me a grieving child beneath the adult facade,

My own little three year old,

left behind in the arms of her Papa, Oma and Opa to give her mother and beloved Grandma the gift of

presence

in the

dying.

 

Yet in the dying, in the fear of the

tearing,

You draw close.

My eyes open, and I behold You.

The mountains high, the lake glistening,

The sky a tapestry of Your Love.

I feel Your arms.

Strong. Holding me.

Your beauty and love

They’ve been chasing me.

All this time.

Every single day of my life.

 

And this love wraps around me

In my dying Mum.

Peace enveloping and exuding from her

weakening and breaking body.

A peace that passes all understanding.

A peace beyond all human fathoming.

I am not yet ready to receive it fully,

But this Presence, Your Presence,

speaks truth into my numbed soul.

Your Peace pours out upon me.

And slowly and surely You draw me back

into Your loving arms, as I return

Motherless,

but RICH beyond measure in Your safe, comfort-enfolding arms.

 

And yet as I watch, behold the

suffering,

My beautiful vibrant mother,

Locked in a body breaking before my very eyes,

I doubt Your goodness again, all those months later.

Images, fears crystallized, entrap me.

 

How can locked limbs, paper-thinning legs,

swallowing taken, speech no more,

until all is taken…

My Mum. My once beautifully vibrant Mum…

How, Lord, how can this be a testimony to Your goodness? Your love?

 

“Is this it?!” I cry out to You.

“Is this the “life” you promise to those you love?

And those who love You?”

Despair piercing my living room

those many months later.

My heart once again truly doubts Your goodness

And the value of life itself.

I behold the suffering and fear has me

reeling to numb myself, to remove all pain.

 

But in Your eternal love and unfailing kindness,

You draw me unto Yourself instead.

“Anna,” You say,

“All those I draw unto myself, I hold onto

and don’t let go of.

And in the name of my Father,

I prepare to place all those He gives me,

Whole and Complete before His eternal throne.”

My Mum, broken before me:

Whole and Complete before His Throne!

Me, her grieving and despairing daughter,

Held Tight, oh so tight!

Truths. Truths of Hope and undying

LOVE.

 

And yet, the fears keep pelting down upon me.

I start reading Your Word and struggle

with doubts of Your goodness

in judgements enacted.

Yet, I keep returning and in the returning

my eyes and heart open to your perpetually

returning grace. I see you keeping a covenant of love in tact,

holding onto a people who become infamous at turning away,

walking in flagrant disobedience,

instead of into Your eternal love.

 

And in my doubts,

in my seething anger and rebellious distrust of You,

You patiently turn me

to the book of Job, lifting my head

up to Your love,

up to Your consolations that are waiting to delight my soul.

“Who made these tapestries of skies?” you ask of me.

“Who loves You so much that He woos you

every single day

with untold beauty unfolding before you?

Who has been holding you

all this time,

waiting for you to slow

and feel His arms enfold you?”

 

And so You teach me to bare my soul.

To cry in anguish.

To unburden the brokenness laid bare.

To open my heart before You.

And there in the depths of despair

You sing over me,

Songs that tether me to Your faithfulness.

To solid rock under my feet

and breathing room for my soul.

Who is like My God?

 

God- you’re my God!

I can’t get enough of you!

I’ve worked up such hunger and thirst for You.

Traveling my road of brokenness and pain,

my eyes have been opened to Your waters in the desert.

And so, I’m finally drinking in Your strength and glory.

As You continue to break me open,

You turn me heavenward, and

My lips brim praises like fountains,

As You make Your

Home

deep, deep within me.

 

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7 thoughts on “He is Holding You

  1. Oh, Anna, this is in turns heartbreaking and lovely, and in the end triumphant. I wish I had justa small portion of your faith.

    I think I may not have thanked you for the lovely card you sent us; I thought I did, but things have been a bit frightful for me, physically, and now I am not sure. So may I offer what may well be a belated thank you? It’s a treasure for us, the card and your words.

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    1. Oh but Andrew you do! You really do! We have each been given beautiful stories to glorify our Maker with and yours has been such an encouragement to me. Know that I treasure the words you share.

      You’re very welcome for the card. It blessed me to be able to write it, pray over it and send it to you. I love how God touches our hearts to walk alongside each other. Be encouraged that you have been called for such a time as this. You are worthy, clothed in His righteousness and power to keep fighting the good fight to the Glory of His Name!

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  2. Oh Anna, How breathtakingly beautiful. This is heart wrenching. I have been thinking of you. Yesterday being an anniversary for you too. What a precious tribute to your love for you mum and for your Father in heaven. Thanks you for sharing your heart.

    Love and prayers,
    Wendy

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    1. Thank you, Wendy. You have been on my mind and heart so much this weekend. Oh how I hate the distance…one day…one day I’ll be able to sit there next to you, hold your hand and cry those tears with you.

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